It's so difficult being pregnant

A year ago I would never have told you that pregnancy was hard. My first one was a BREEZE!!! I barely had any morning sickness (except at work lol), I barely gained any weight. In fact, if you didn't know I was pregnant you couldn't tell until I was almost seven months. I loved that particular plus :) I also had very little pain. A little tenderness here and there but little fatigue. I was a warrior!!! The actual birth was a breeze too. I had Khodi induced and the labor went amazingly well. Not too much pain. Once the epidural went in, I was in heaven. Everything went perfectly well.

It's no wonder I deluded myself into thinking the second one would be easy.

I am only four months pregnant and I am absolutely huge. I can hardly stay awake at all during the day. I feel like such a bum, I could watch T.V. all day and have no problem with it. Scratch that, I'd have a huge problem with it (I hate feeling useless) but I wouldn't say anything or do anything different. Thank God for my husband, really. He gets me out of the house. He had to damn near drag me out of bed this morning to go to church and I wanted to cuss him out the whole way there. We moved about an hour away from our church and, despite the fact that there's a perfectly lovely church five minutes up the road from us, we still go to our old one. It's always like this, though. I get pissy with him for making me actually go to church but the SECOND I walk through those doors I am a changed woman. I love church. I love feeling like I'm connected to God and I love feeling like I'm actually including him in my life instead of just keeping him in the background of my life. I love Justin for forcing me to go. Week after week I whine and complain about it then I inevitably thank him after. What a wonderful man for putting up with me :)

I woke up in such a bad mood today. I just wanted to fight about anything and everything. And I sure did. I can be such a bitch these days. It's the pregnancy, I swear. That's another thing! I was not at all moody my last pregnancy. Everything was wonderful for me. I think it's because this time it's a different gender. I knew right away that it would be a girl because everything was different. EVERYTHING. But now that it's confirmed I can tolerate it a bit more.

I hate having little energy, though. We went to the County Line Fair today. I was so excited to go! I wanted funnel cake and pretzels, lemonade and sweet corn. I wanted to take pictures with the pigs and I wanted to do all there was to do at this fair. Do you know how hot it was today??? Well I actually don't either but lemme tell you it felt like it was 102 degrees out there, no lie. I had on jeans and a black maternity shirt and I felt like dying a half hour into it. I felt so guilty for forcing Justin to end his trip early, we were both soooo looking forward to it :( We did, however, have our sweetcorn and lemonade :) I even introduced him to the wonderous joys of Deep Fried Milky Way. It was divine!! If you haven't had a deep fried candy bar yet, you must do so ASAP. You can almost feel your heart stopping but it is wholesome heart-stopping goodness!! Yum yum yum.

We also saw all the animals which was a new experience for me. I can't believe I'd never seen a pig up close before. I felt bad for the pigs though because all of them had long scratches on them like they'd been whipped. I wanted to yell at their owners but I know nothing of pigs and wouldn't know what to say. I think they're going to be eaten anyway, too. What use will I be to tomorrows breakfast?? Not mine, of course. I rarely eat breakfast and when I do it's probably cereal or french toast.

We didn't stay long at the fair. After we saw all the animals and I had officially decided I could never EVER be a farmer, we went to sit down in a shaded area and I started to feel dizzy. Justin stopped for one last snack and, like a real gentleman/hero, took me home. I soooooo longed for the air conditioning in my car. When we got home we took a nice dip in the pool which was exactly what the two of us needed. Then we took a nap (on accident, of course, we just fell asleep) together on the bed. After our glorious nap we came here...his parent's house to pick up Khodi. Let me just add that I am SOOOOO glad they took him today because I could not have handled having to hold him the entire time. No way. And he hates his stroller so it would have been hell for us if he was there.

It seems like all my experiences these days are like this. My family and I went to Starved Rock a few weeks ago. It was about a two hour drive and the second we got there I was ready to go home! I don't know how I managed to go hiking and all that because I was not feeling up to it. I did enjoy myself though. My mom guilted me into staying the whole time. I guess that's what I need. Someone forcing me to do stuff. Because Lord knows otherwise I wouldn't

And all this is because of the pregnancy. I get tired easily, I get sick easily and I'm in pain almost all day, every day. Being pregnant now for this long of a time period has really made me an out of shape girl. I need to continue going to the Gym. Thank God, yet again, for Justin. Because he forced me to get a membership about six months ago and it is WONDERFUL going to the gym. I love every second of it. I don't mind being tired there, I just push through it.

I do try, though. I try to keep myself occupied and I try to take nice walks around our apartment when Justin's at work. I honestly would much rather be outside than indoors any day. I just hate feeling so tired all the time. I'm hoping some of the pain will go away after the surgery (and some of the weight lol).

Speaking of the surgery...I am hopeful. Justin is really worried about me so he went online and he found a few testimonials from people going through the exact same thing I am. I was shocked, first of all, that there WERE people like me out there. And I was double shocked that most of them said their surgeries went well. Only one woman said she miscarried the next day which I got very sad about. The only thing I can do now, though, is pray. Pray, pray, and pray. And ask everyone I know to pray too. I know they will because I'm surrounded by amazing people who love me and want the best for this baby.

Can you imagine what it would be like to lose a baby??? I can't. I can hardly wrap my mind around losing a loved one of mine. My uncle recently passed away but I never really saw him anyway so in my mind it's not that big of a difference. Don't get me wrong, I miss him. I miss him like crazy and I was a wreck at his funeral. But I don't know how I'll take it if my little girl is taken from me. I remember one time before Khodi was born I only THOUGHT I was pregnant and I wasn't. I was a complete mess. I wrote this heartwrenching poem (back when I wrote poems) all about it.

I shall post it for you to read.

And Then It Happened ~Hopelessly-Imperfect

Sing songs of sorrow to my broken heart
I need to find my comfort in your arms
For it is a sad, sad day today for man
That I should lose what I once held dear

My hopes and dreams, they left me
Carried away on a red, red sea
Red from the angry tears I shed

How can I contain this sadness?
How can I keep from madness?
My heart is breaking, I need you so

How can the world be so cruel
As to wrench away my spirit
My heart is weighed down
By a sad, sad truth

I fooled myself into believing
It could really be so
As I reached out, my heart bursting with hope,
To take what I so longed for
My Love, it disappeared

And as God sits on his throne with Mirth
Of this cruel, cruel joke He's played
I can do naught but shed my tears
And sink into despair once more

I wrote this just about not being pregnant with a baby...not actually losing anything. Can you imagine what I'll do if I lose my baby??? We're going to name her Haley, by the way. Haley Jennifer Megan. We had the name picked out since I was pregnant the first time.

This was actually one of my better poems. I used to write poems AAAAALLLLLL the time. Back when I was dating this boy named Rodney ( I call him Milo). He got me into this site DeviantArt. And just being on this site made me feel like I had to write poems. And being in a relationship with him gave me plenty to write about. We had such a wonderfully passionate romance. We started off as friends and then it slowly but surely blossomed into this full blown love for one another. I really thought he was the one but you know how that goes. It didn't work out and I moved on. We broke up about 2 years ago and we're only just now starting to talk to one another again. In a way I'm happy. I hate losing my friends. In another I don't know how he's taking it. It was only a few months after I broke up with him that I met Justin. I don't want to tell him about what's going on in my life like I'm rubbing it in his face. Oh well, we'll just see how that goes, too.

I feel like I could write forever and ever. My mind is just jumping from subject to subject with seemingly no thoughts to transition them. This post might be difficult to read, sorry. I can't help it, I just write whatever pops into my brain. Wow I just looked up and this is a fairly long entry. I think I shall wrap it up now and come back another time. Maybe when my mind is more organized :)

Thank you for reading!!!