I must write, or fall behind

Hello everyone!

I had this notion of writing poems again. Lots and lots of poems because I'm the type of person who loves to write poems!!! I was going to start the rest of my blogs off with a poem. Just a short little thing about what I was feeling.

Then I just stopped giving a damn and gave up. After one poem. I'm a quitter. I know this and I accept it. And you know what, I don't mind. There are certain things I give up on after little effort (school, poetry, friendships, etc) while others I will hold on to forever and ever no matter how hard they may be. Like my marriage and my family. There is NO way I am ever going to give up on my husband. No matter how hard things may get. I promise I will try my hardest to stay with him forever.

Anyway, that's not what the point of this blog was going to be about so I'm not going to write about it anymore.

There's not much going on to write about though...let's see, what's new??

Well, I took Khodi to the zoo on Saturday! It was his very first time going. It was amazing. He loved playing with everything shiny or colorful or fun. He loved playing in the fountains and cried when we had to move on. He wasn't so interested in the animals as the stuff he could interact with. There was a tire filled with rubber pieces kind of like sand. He would have stayed in it all day if we didn't have to leave :) He also loved playing with the goats in the petting zoo. It was a day filled with stimulation for him. Everywhere we went he was enthralled with something new. He just had SO much fun!! I loved it.

The next day we went to IKEA and it was kind of the same thing. He gets so interested in all things new. He would have played in the kitchens for hours and with all the stuffed animals and lights and appliances and boxes and candles. There was so much there for him to play with! He had a blast there too! It's amazing to think a child can be interested in everything and nothing at the same time. He could play with a bottle cap for two hours and be equally entertained with his "real" toys

Oh! My "mom" Karen is coming out soon!! She'll be here October 23rd. I'm so damn excited!!! I can't wait for her and Angela (her wife) to get here. I miss them so so so so so so so much! I haven't seen them since April when we went to Florida together. The two of them live in Georgia. This will be the second time Angela's been here, the 3rd for Karen. They were here last year for the Christmastime and this year they'll be here for HALLOWEEN!!! I'm so so excited! It's going to be brilliant!

Well, that's it for an update. Tomorrow's my final ultrasound and I'll see if I can post up Haley's picture :)

More to us now

I'm awake and singing songs that remind me of you
The sad songs of a world ago
The ones I knew would take me back
Before it was even over
What we had is forever immortalized in me
Through a few, magical songs
No poems written by a lovesick heart
Can ever do us justice
Or say just the right words
But the songs will always be there
The songs, and nothing else

What keeps you up at night
Thinking of me?


I wrote this last night because Khodi kept me up. He went down pretty early but he woke up again at 3:00 and didn't go back to sleep until 6:00! I was fine with it, though, because he was so super cute :)

Anyway a friend of mine wrote this http://handshedown.blogspot.com piece and it reminded me so much of an old boyfriend of mine. When we broke up I had a few songs that I would listen to over and over thinking of him. No matter how many years go by, I will always think of him when I hear these few songs. But that's it. I won't remember him for much else. We didn't really share too many memories. I wrote poems for him but I barely read them and they're kind of surfacy at best. I have nothing to remember him by and that's fine by me. It's his loss, really.

That's why I love being with Justin. I never wrote any poetry for him but we have SO much more to our relationship. We have our entire lives together. We have our children, we have memories...I've changed so much because of him. And that's just wonderful.

Surgery

Hello again, everyone!

I am back home (finally) from the hospital. It was not a very fun thing I can tell you. I had to go into the hospital Thursday morning (6:00 a.m). I drove all the way from Indiana just to get there which means I had to get up at 3:00!! I took my sister, Marie, with me because Khodi was sick and I didn't want him to come with me or he'd just get worse :(

The surgery went well, I guess. I don't remember anything after the nurse told me she was going to give me the IV of medication. When I woke up I was in EXTREME pain! I screamed and screamed it was horrible. The cyst they took out of my stomach (apparently) was the size of a BASKETBALL!!! How the hell does something that big get inside a person??? I don't know but I'm so glad it's out.

I was in the hospital from Thursday to Monday. 5 whole days of torture. I hate the hospital. I hate not being able to get up and move around. I hate the uncomfortable beds, I hate being in pain. Being home is so much better. I can see my baby (can't hold him) and I can move around more than before. I like being around my family instead of being alone :(

But I'm still in tons of pain so I have to basically sit on the couch all day long. I hate that too but it's better than being alone. I don't know how often I'll be online these next days. I'm in too much pain to be sitting up :(

Till later!!

Oh! The baby's fine too. She made it through the surgery with no problems :) Thank GOD!!!

How glorious the city can be

I am in no mood to write. I would rather THINK about writing and not actually do it right now :) However I made a serious promise to write back more later. And it's been two whole days since I last wrote. It's time for a new update.Well since it's only been two days there's not a world of interesting things to talk about. So don't be disappointed.

There is one thing I can talk about though :)

Yesterday my husband and I had a very romantic evening in Downtown Chicago. We left Khodi at my folks' house. They went to my Aunt's house because my cousin, Kyra, was having a "going away to college" party. I should have gone but I was in no mood to deal with that side of the family. Apparently it was fun, though! I didn't really miss out on too much because I had a great time too.

We got on the train at 6:00 to get to the city for approximately 7:00 ish. When we got there we didn't really DO anything. And that was the best part. We just walked and walked and walked. We got seriously lost on our way to Navy Pier and seriously lost on our way back. But that wasn't really the point. The point was we just spent time together alone in the [world's] most beautiful city enjoying the scenery. I love the hustle and bustle of people. I love the smell of the vendors and various restaurants. I love passing by a group of people and smelling the faintest scent of someones perfume :)

I especially loved hearing the people playing music on the corners of the streets. We passed one man on the way back to the train station playing a saxophone. As soon as he started playing my heart nearly stopped. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I wanted to sit and watch him play for hours but we were in a rush to catch the train but I could still hear it as I walked further away. The city can be so peaceful when you let it work it's magic.

We didn't spend much time down there. Just enough time to walk to Navy Pier, have a snack, a break, and walk back. Only about two hours. But it was such a magnificent two hours. It was SO incredibly romantic :) Then we rode the train home together (both of us exhausted from all the walking) and just talked and talked.

I love my husband, have I mentioned that?? His spontaneity is was drew me to him. We hadn't planned to go downtown or anything. He got home and I asked him what he wanted to do and he was like "I dunno, let's go downtown". And we did :) It was just brilliant. I love how he can make such a simple thing into something wonderful and romantic and completely memorable for me.

Till next time!!

Must I have something to say?

Because, honestly, I don't.

It's not that I haven't done much. I have. I've had quite a good few days. I just don't feel like writing about them.

But that would be going against my promise to myself to write, write, write!! No matter how boring or mundane the subject. I will not let myself down!

Well, what's happened? My sister came out to visit me Tuesday. Actually, I went out to get her. I went to my parent's house early-around 1:00. I didn't leave until around 7:00. Why? Because my mom and sister Amber went to go see THREE movies (not ONE of them of J&J how horrible!) and I was left alone with my Dad and Marie. And my Dad is not a fun person to be left alone with. I blogged for awhile, and I wrote some old friends but soon I got bored. What was my Dad doing this whole time? Playing video games...he needs to get off the couch and do something. Anyway how the hell am I going to leave Khodi and take Marie when my Dad is just sitting on the couch? Do I just thrust Khodi into his arms and wave goodbye?? No. It took me forever to gather the courage to approach him. And by that time I was too exhausted to have a wonderful time with my sister.

It's a good thing I managed to get her to stay the next day! She and I did laundry at my apartment (Justin was working late) and we cooked the most magnificent dinner!! I loved it. Took one bite and I was in heaven. I don't think it has a name but it's pork chops in the crock pot with Cream of Chicken soup, ketchup, and Worcestershire sauce cooked on high for 4 hours. I know, there's not much cooking involved with a Crock Pot but I'm new at this housewife thing and if it makes me a good meal, I'm not complaining. Anyway, pour the sauce and chicken over some rice (or egg noodles) and viola! A deliciously simple meal. Absolutely orgasmic!!! I'll be making it again soon, I know :)

I love it when Marie spends the night with me. She's the best. She's my best friend in the WHOLE world and it's just the greatest that she's my sister. We get along better than anyone. I've never been more at ease with someone in my life. We can just laugh and laugh with each other all day long. And we can even tell each other when we're being stuid without being too scared of hurt feelings. She's amazing. I wish upon everyone a friend as amazing as her!!

Anyway, Justin and I have been alot more romantic lately. I think it's because he's been working so much. Also because we're both scared of this surgery. We want things to go well this week...just in case. ( I hate having those thoughts but they won't go away...sorry)

(paranthetical side note: I just realized I need to limit my use of the word anyway...it gets tedious)

Today Marie and I went to a matinee of (500) Days of Summer. I, unlike the rest of the world apparently, did NOT love this movie. Which sucks because I was soooooo waiting for it!! I wanted to see this movie as much as I wanted to see J&J!!! And that's a lot of wanting! And I left the theater sorely disappointed. I read other people's review of it and they all had valid thoughts. It was thoughtful, cunning, true to life, unique, fresh, etc. etc. But the one thing all the reviews left out is DEPRESSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wouldn't reccomend this movie to anyone. And that's huge for me to say for a few reasons. 1. I pretty much love every movie I see. I'm so easily amused. 2. This movie had Zooey Deschanel in it. And I looooove her!!! She's my top five actress!!! (Amy Adams, Zooey Deschanel, Nicole Kidman, Rachel McAdams, Keri Russel). There is no way I could hate a movie with her in it. I looooooove watching her! 3. Everyone I knew that saw it gave it great reviews 4. The commercial made me fall in love with it immediately...it was the one movie (besides J&J) that I just HAD to see.

Needless to say I was highly disappointed

That's all, I guess. Fun times with my sister, romance with my husband, and a very depressing movie.

Oh! And Khodi got his (2) first haircuts! His first was from me and he looked pretty damn good! Just a little dorky lol. Then my parents went and got it professionally done and now he just looks super cute!!! I love his new haircut! :)

There you have it. I'll write back later, I promise. Seriously promise.

No (wo)Man is an Island???

Have you ever been driving in your car and, even though you're totally completely sure that the whole world is oblivious to you and your actions, you still feel like the center of attention? Like all the other people in all the other cars are watching you????

I feel like this all the time. I think it's my narcissism coming through. (Does this blog include spellcheck??) OMG it does! Anyway.... I often feel like everyone is watching me and paying attention to every move I make. Sometimes I feel like I have to pay attention to every move I make because someone, somewhere is watching! Someone is analyzing it all. I'm important.

Then I come back down and realize that I'm just being silly. I'll turn my head to see the car next to me and they, like me, are in their own world. Nobody cares about what you're doing (unless you're picking your nose) just like you don't care about anyone else. Not in a mean way, of course. We just are all living our own separate lives and nothing's going to change that.

Or maybe not...

I was going through this situation last night. I pulled up next to a car and, without even knowing who was in it, I suddenly was struck with the feeling that the passenger(s) were paying attention to me. Talking about me, looking at me, wanting to know more about me. I brushed this thought off as irrational nonsense. To prove myself right I looked over for a brief second expecting to see a car full of people talking to themselves.

Only they weren't!!! They WERE all paying attention to me! They freaked out when I looked at them and started waving and being silly. Every single one of them (there were, like, seven teens in the car) was devoting their attention to me. I couldn't help but laugh and wave back. I was so happy that they were waving to me. You don't often feel connected to complete strangers but for those thirty seconds or so we were in the same world. Then the light turned green and we went our separate ways again. A part of me wonders if they were making fun of me or if they were just being silly. Another part of me doesn't really care. Even if they were making fun of me, it brought me a momentary type joy that you don't get to feel every day.

I will always remember that moment. Sometimes the world and you aren't as separate as you may think. Maybe next time I'm at a stop thinking that the person in the car doesn't care about me I'll think that maybe, just maybe they do but they think I don't care about them. Maybe next time I'll go out of my way to bridge that gap. I, too, have the power to make someone's day special.

It's so difficult being pregnant

A year ago I would never have told you that pregnancy was hard. My first one was a BREEZE!!! I barely had any morning sickness (except at work lol), I barely gained any weight. In fact, if you didn't know I was pregnant you couldn't tell until I was almost seven months. I loved that particular plus :) I also had very little pain. A little tenderness here and there but little fatigue. I was a warrior!!! The actual birth was a breeze too. I had Khodi induced and the labor went amazingly well. Not too much pain. Once the epidural went in, I was in heaven. Everything went perfectly well.

It's no wonder I deluded myself into thinking the second one would be easy.

I am only four months pregnant and I am absolutely huge. I can hardly stay awake at all during the day. I feel like such a bum, I could watch T.V. all day and have no problem with it. Scratch that, I'd have a huge problem with it (I hate feeling useless) but I wouldn't say anything or do anything different. Thank God for my husband, really. He gets me out of the house. He had to damn near drag me out of bed this morning to go to church and I wanted to cuss him out the whole way there. We moved about an hour away from our church and, despite the fact that there's a perfectly lovely church five minutes up the road from us, we still go to our old one. It's always like this, though. I get pissy with him for making me actually go to church but the SECOND I walk through those doors I am a changed woman. I love church. I love feeling like I'm connected to God and I love feeling like I'm actually including him in my life instead of just keeping him in the background of my life. I love Justin for forcing me to go. Week after week I whine and complain about it then I inevitably thank him after. What a wonderful man for putting up with me :)

I woke up in such a bad mood today. I just wanted to fight about anything and everything. And I sure did. I can be such a bitch these days. It's the pregnancy, I swear. That's another thing! I was not at all moody my last pregnancy. Everything was wonderful for me. I think it's because this time it's a different gender. I knew right away that it would be a girl because everything was different. EVERYTHING. But now that it's confirmed I can tolerate it a bit more.

I hate having little energy, though. We went to the County Line Fair today. I was so excited to go! I wanted funnel cake and pretzels, lemonade and sweet corn. I wanted to take pictures with the pigs and I wanted to do all there was to do at this fair. Do you know how hot it was today??? Well I actually don't either but lemme tell you it felt like it was 102 degrees out there, no lie. I had on jeans and a black maternity shirt and I felt like dying a half hour into it. I felt so guilty for forcing Justin to end his trip early, we were both soooo looking forward to it :( We did, however, have our sweetcorn and lemonade :) I even introduced him to the wonderous joys of Deep Fried Milky Way. It was divine!! If you haven't had a deep fried candy bar yet, you must do so ASAP. You can almost feel your heart stopping but it is wholesome heart-stopping goodness!! Yum yum yum.

We also saw all the animals which was a new experience for me. I can't believe I'd never seen a pig up close before. I felt bad for the pigs though because all of them had long scratches on them like they'd been whipped. I wanted to yell at their owners but I know nothing of pigs and wouldn't know what to say. I think they're going to be eaten anyway, too. What use will I be to tomorrows breakfast?? Not mine, of course. I rarely eat breakfast and when I do it's probably cereal or french toast.

We didn't stay long at the fair. After we saw all the animals and I had officially decided I could never EVER be a farmer, we went to sit down in a shaded area and I started to feel dizzy. Justin stopped for one last snack and, like a real gentleman/hero, took me home. I soooooo longed for the air conditioning in my car. When we got home we took a nice dip in the pool which was exactly what the two of us needed. Then we took a nap (on accident, of course, we just fell asleep) together on the bed. After our glorious nap we came here...his parent's house to pick up Khodi. Let me just add that I am SOOOOO glad they took him today because I could not have handled having to hold him the entire time. No way. And he hates his stroller so it would have been hell for us if he was there.

It seems like all my experiences these days are like this. My family and I went to Starved Rock a few weeks ago. It was about a two hour drive and the second we got there I was ready to go home! I don't know how I managed to go hiking and all that because I was not feeling up to it. I did enjoy myself though. My mom guilted me into staying the whole time. I guess that's what I need. Someone forcing me to do stuff. Because Lord knows otherwise I wouldn't

And all this is because of the pregnancy. I get tired easily, I get sick easily and I'm in pain almost all day, every day. Being pregnant now for this long of a time period has really made me an out of shape girl. I need to continue going to the Gym. Thank God, yet again, for Justin. Because he forced me to get a membership about six months ago and it is WONDERFUL going to the gym. I love every second of it. I don't mind being tired there, I just push through it.

I do try, though. I try to keep myself occupied and I try to take nice walks around our apartment when Justin's at work. I honestly would much rather be outside than indoors any day. I just hate feeling so tired all the time. I'm hoping some of the pain will go away after the surgery (and some of the weight lol).

Speaking of the surgery...I am hopeful. Justin is really worried about me so he went online and he found a few testimonials from people going through the exact same thing I am. I was shocked, first of all, that there WERE people like me out there. And I was double shocked that most of them said their surgeries went well. Only one woman said she miscarried the next day which I got very sad about. The only thing I can do now, though, is pray. Pray, pray, and pray. And ask everyone I know to pray too. I know they will because I'm surrounded by amazing people who love me and want the best for this baby.

Can you imagine what it would be like to lose a baby??? I can't. I can hardly wrap my mind around losing a loved one of mine. My uncle recently passed away but I never really saw him anyway so in my mind it's not that big of a difference. Don't get me wrong, I miss him. I miss him like crazy and I was a wreck at his funeral. But I don't know how I'll take it if my little girl is taken from me. I remember one time before Khodi was born I only THOUGHT I was pregnant and I wasn't. I was a complete mess. I wrote this heartwrenching poem (back when I wrote poems) all about it.

I shall post it for you to read.

And Then It Happened ~Hopelessly-Imperfect

Sing songs of sorrow to my broken heart
I need to find my comfort in your arms
For it is a sad, sad day today for man
That I should lose what I once held dear

My hopes and dreams, they left me
Carried away on a red, red sea
Red from the angry tears I shed

How can I contain this sadness?
How can I keep from madness?
My heart is breaking, I need you so

How can the world be so cruel
As to wrench away my spirit
My heart is weighed down
By a sad, sad truth

I fooled myself into believing
It could really be so
As I reached out, my heart bursting with hope,
To take what I so longed for
My Love, it disappeared

And as God sits on his throne with Mirth
Of this cruel, cruel joke He's played
I can do naught but shed my tears
And sink into despair once more

I wrote this just about not being pregnant with a baby...not actually losing anything. Can you imagine what I'll do if I lose my baby??? We're going to name her Haley, by the way. Haley Jennifer Megan. We had the name picked out since I was pregnant the first time.

This was actually one of my better poems. I used to write poems AAAAALLLLLL the time. Back when I was dating this boy named Rodney ( I call him Milo). He got me into this site DeviantArt. And just being on this site made me feel like I had to write poems. And being in a relationship with him gave me plenty to write about. We had such a wonderfully passionate romance. We started off as friends and then it slowly but surely blossomed into this full blown love for one another. I really thought he was the one but you know how that goes. It didn't work out and I moved on. We broke up about 2 years ago and we're only just now starting to talk to one another again. In a way I'm happy. I hate losing my friends. In another I don't know how he's taking it. It was only a few months after I broke up with him that I met Justin. I don't want to tell him about what's going on in my life like I'm rubbing it in his face. Oh well, we'll just see how that goes, too.

I feel like I could write forever and ever. My mind is just jumping from subject to subject with seemingly no thoughts to transition them. This post might be difficult to read, sorry. I can't help it, I just write whatever pops into my brain. Wow I just looked up and this is a fairly long entry. I think I shall wrap it up now and come back another time. Maybe when my mind is more organized :)

Thank you for reading!!!

Well you do have to start somewhere, don't you??

I used to write on the internet all the time. I used to love the idea that I could come onto a site and post whatever nonsense popped into my head and just let whoever wherever whenever read it. I would come on to many many different sites and just type for hours! I miss the therapy that comes from it all.

What's changed? Many many things actually. I went to college, met the man of my life and was engaged three months later. Three months after that we were living together (my parents kicked me out). One month after that I got pregnant *this is a cause for immense joy. One month later we had our first apartment together. Four months later (and one year after we met) we were married to go on to have our first child Khodi two months after. I am a busy woman.

After we had our first child we moved to a different apartment in Indiana. It seemed like a blessing at first. Now it's a curse. It's too expensive and, frankly, I hate Indiana. It's boring and too quiet for my taste. At least the part in which I currently reside. So we're moving back home. When???? Soon. I hope.

My life is filled with so many things. I'll call my friends and ask "what's going on in your life?" and no one has anything remotely interesting to report. I, however, have too much going on. Let me list them all so I can keep them all in order.

1. My husband and I hate our apartment and we want to find a house soon (Stress, Anxiety, Excitement)
2. The house we LOOOVED more than anything else in the world was sold (Stress, Sadness)
3. I haven't mentioned it yet so I might as well here...I'm having another baby (Stress, Happiness)
4. I had to go to the hospital yesterday for an ultrasound of my ovarian cyst (Stress, More Stress)
5. The nurse doing my ultrasound told us we're having a baby girl!! (Happiness, Happiness, Happiness)
6. I have to have surgery on my ovarian cyst and there's a 10% chance I'll lose said girl (Intense Stress, Intense Sadness)


The operation is in two weeks so I have TWO WEEKS to be stressed out. This, on top of being pregnant, on top of being a mom...will not be leading to very good things. It's no wonder I smashed my fish bowl after my cat ate my fish *cry* (Stress, Sadness, Anger).

I am in a very hormonal state right now. The world is doing crazy things to me. A few good things have happened this past week that have made certain things better.

I went to the gym the other day. I love the gym. Afterwards I felt sooo much better about myself because I was clean and well exercised. My husband (Justin, from now on) has been good to me. He went with me to the doctor's yesterday even though he very much didn't have to. He's my Hero, seriously.

To top it all off I saw Julie and Julia. It was such a good movie I actually cried at the end and let Justin just hold me for a few minutes while I let the perfection sink in. Okay I probably cried because I'm extremely hormonal. Have I mentioned that? Well it's hardly the point. The point is that it was the only thing that could have made yesterday's stress, sadness, anger, and fear almost but not entirely disappear. It felt good to feel good again.

Ever since I saw the movie I've been in a huge writing kick. Hmmmm wonder why??? Well, if I continue to Blog on here and everywhere else I previously blogged there's only one person I will have to thank for it. Julie Powell. I love her. She is such an inspiration to me...to millions of women out there. She's just wonderful and I'm so glad she's maintaining her success. I hope nobody forgets about her.

I hope I never forget about her. But for now I'm going to go to bed. My baby boy is still asleep...he should have been up two hours ago. I'm going to use this as an opportunity to sleep some more, too.

Good Morning, everyone!!!